I’ve gone under the knife. I know what it means to feel pain so excruciating you pass out. I’ve felt pain, yet nothing hurt more than losing myself. It wasn’t the aftermath of it, not at all, it was the process, a carefully curated process wrapped in love and toxicity.
What will people say? What will people think? Everyone thinks you’re strong. You should know better.
Well, love is a blinding surge of electricity that constantly blurs the line between logic and stupidity. Never forget the power our emotions carry in our actions.
It was subtle; it was in the side comments, the withdrawal of emotions. It was subtle, but it was alarmingly present.
My experience wasn’t all that bad, it was not 21 months of unhappiness, that’s the best part. Situations like this have a glimpse of what happiness might look like and you hold on to that feeling for as much as you can until you realize that all you’d get from it is a taste of what it can be and nothing more.
There was love, weirdly, but that didn’t make it right for me.
You ask why people in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship don’t leave, this is the reason why. They understand that it is love, they just make the mistake of thinking it’s right for them. They forget what it means to love on your terms not because of what society has termed to be love.
Who is calling you so late? Why didn’t you pick my calls? Why are you working so late?
These questions usually gave rise to another issue that will last at least 2 weeks. There was always something to make me second guess who I was. I was always supposed to take responsibility for something but when the tables were turned, it was supposed to be water under the bridge. I remember writing long texts in my notes, trying to explain to the “love of my life” that I wasn’t the enemy in our relationship. I remember writing an article on medium about being emotionally aware because of him. That coin is 50/50. I’m grateful for all I know because of him but I’d rather have learned these life lessons differently.
This behavior wasn’t something he was unfamiliar with. Subliminal messages on social media sparked a conversation. The false hope of effective communication ensued, and the cycle repeated itself. It was love; it was painful; it was my life, and I was naked and I felt everything a little bit more.
We ask people in emotionally and physically abusive relationships why they can’t leave. I’d tell you why I stayed as long as I did. I genuinely felt it was love, I also felt that every relationship had bad days and maybe our just occurred more frequently than most. I felt that underneath all that toxic action and reaction; it was because love truly existed. I lied to myself and I lost myself in trying to keep something that wasn’t supposed to exist. At least, not in my life.
If you read this and you are in a similar situation, it’s not too late to leave. Forever is a long time to live a life laced with unhappiness and longing of when happy times will come. Today is a great day to take your life back.